Fri, 18 May 2012
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Family & Kids
Partners
Expat story: Living overseas; pieces that simply will not...
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Jobs overseas and work overseas leads to uprooting a family life and living abroad. In a moving piece about his 'school refuser' son, David Willows ponders on the assumptions we make about a family's life path.Playing in the park on a sunny day in early Spring, we look like a perfectly normal family.
Sure, I am a divorced dad, co-managing two sets of kids in two countries. But that’s okay. We have got used to that now. We have our routine and that gets us through.
But on this particular day, I don’t feel normal. Despite my best efforts, the jigsaw pieces of my life just don’t seem to fit together in the way that they used to. At least, not right now. They are all bent up and slightly torn at the edges.
Let me explain.
When I had first had children, I made certain basic assumptions:
1. My children will outlive me.
2. My children will sleep (eventually).
3. My children will eat their vegetables (eventually - with the exception, perhaps, of Brussels Sprouts).
4. My children will go to school.
This, for most of us, is the bottom line of parenthood. Of course, we hope for much more for our kids. In my case it was 12 hour sleep patterns from 6 weeks, leading seamlessly towards a happy, successful and ethical life, cut short only by a peaceful passing anytime after the age of 80. And not to be greedy about it, I wanted my children not only to eat but actually enjoy everything I place onto the dinner table, play a musical instrument, join a sports team, become a doctor, marry and produce 3 delightful grandchildren to keep me entertained during my own twilight years.
Am I alone here?
I guess we make these parental assumptions in order to get us through those dark and difficult periods when raising a child fills seems beyond anything we could ever manage.
Sitting on her couch, the therapist opposite confirms my naivety in almost her first sentence: ‘David, we are only just beginning this process...’
Shit.
You see, my eldest boy has not been to school in seven months. He is a ‘school refuser’.
Seven months ago, I did not even know kids like this existed. Kids either went to school or they ‘bunked off’ because they were bad kids. (Or they were like my sister who occasionally decided to ride around Birmingham on the bus rather than go to school.)
This, though, is different. This is about kind of deep anxiety or phobia, akin to people who have a fear of spiders, confined spaces or flying. This is kind of serious.
I want to tell the therapist that she is wrong. I challenge her, angrily, and express that part of me that wants to simplify this situation, blaming it on some early adolescent rebellion.
It’s complicated. Too complicated for me to understand right now.
And I don’t particularly want to go into why this happened. My ex-wife thinks that it was because she went to work when he was small. The therapist half suggests that it was because I went swimming with my boy every Friday afternoon when he was small and then I got divorced. I argue with them both. Half the world’s kids have mums who work and dads who live somewhere else. But half the world’s kids are not school refusers.
Back in the park, we kick a ball around and enjoy each other’s company. We laugh, argue, run around: the first signs of Spring do us good. But it is different to last Spring. I feel a distance between him and I that was not there a year ago. When I try to get close, he pulls away – as if it is too painful, too confusing for him to bear right now. He has become trapped in a world where he is afraid to venture out and engage – even with his own dad.
I want to tell him that I love him. I want to draw him close, like when he was small, and reassure him that it’s going to be okay. Locked in his fortress, I want to find the key, defeat the dragon, wake him up, kiss him and rescue him from his demons.
I also want to kick him up the arse, shout at him, and tell him that he should be back at school like any normal kid.
The emotions are complicated for all of us right now. The pieces of the puzzle simply don’t fit quite as well as they used to.
All I can do is get angry with the therapist. And wait.
Travelling back on the Eurostar, I play a mental game with myself and wonder whether there is any other parent on this packed train who has to deal with this stuff? Am I really the only one? And what happens to all these kids? Are they simply forgotten?
I am home and suddenly I realize the irony of it all. In a few hours, I will be back at work, telling the story of a school that literally changes kids’ lives. Like Willy Wonka himself, I will give out a few more ‘golden tickets’ that few kids can even dream about.
And on Monday morning, I will take a moment to think of my boy, sitting in his room – locked in by something I still don’t begin to understand.
And wait.
David Willows / Expatica
David Willows is Director of External Relations at the International School of Brussels (ISB). David's blog Fragments can be found here.
A truly excellent article - deeply resonant and moving.
A very moving entry in an excellent blog about all things family related (I recommend other parents to read it). I hope that together you can unlock the answer to your son's current difficulties.
Our younger son had also decided that school was not for him when he was about 14 years old. Instead of continuing to be exasperated and angry with him, we backed off and let him choose what he would be happiest doing. We know him to be a good kid, sensitive, musically talented and we realized that the school system just did not engage him. He is now immersed in his music world, learns what he wants on his own, and taught us that life as parents does not need to be a stressful and hair-pulling affair!
Hello. I wanted to reply and thank you, personally, for engaging with this article in the way that you have done. The story itself is painful but also compelling. By telling my story, it helps me make sense of this experience, but it also connects me with the stories of others. And that's what good communication is all about. Again, thank you for taking the time to comment.
A nephew of mine "opted out", also following a divorce (perhaps coincidentally). Unlike Gigi, I don't really believe that giving in is the best solution. The parents have tried an awful lot, and he has now after nearly three years accepted not just to finish his "rhéto" but also to sit in school, recognising that it's too difficult outside a scholastic environment. A good ending might be on its way, but it has been difficult and very worrying for the parents.
School is a number of things. It offers children a choice afterwards (who can say at 14 that they know what they want?) and also social skills. It's not the only way to prepare for life, but it is probably the best.
Unlike "The Pen" who has NOT had the personal experience of having a child refuse school. I am in the position of my eldest son refusing to go back to school, for many reasons which I do not wish to discuss over this blog. I would like to let "The Pen" know that sometimes you do not have a choice but to "give in" Maybe she could tell me how you make a child of 14-17 go to school if they refuse, other than by handcuffing them and dragging them in. Which is certainly not going to have a positive outcome. David know that you're doing a great job, as am I and gigi. We all need to stick together and ignore those who make judgements without knowing what it truly is like.
Ultimately only the parents can know their own child best, and if they are not the controlling and authoritative type, [and their child is a reasonably healthy and rational human being], I feel that the child deserves some respect for the way he/she wishes to live his/her life. Mistakes and the wrong paths taken can happen to the best of us, and isn't that what it is all about - always learning as you go along and knowing that the world is full of options!
The Pen, you do sound a lot like:
"If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you
have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?"
People are people and it is not 100% the same route for everyone, and although this organization, like standartization and school does help to deal with masses, there are excemptions that achieve no less in life by going their own path. For me myself lols of this is still in front, and it does scare me a lot, therefore I wont rush judging Mr. Willows, even if I am dealing (?) with my kids more different, more equal maybe.
It is only reasonable as parents to educate and provide and set a good example for our children, regardless of what society sets as 'the norm' that our children have to attend school to fulfill their education, social skills so that enables to them to integrate better in society. When our child was 5 after attending ICA International Christian Academy in Brussels and having the school closed down for odd reasons by the Belgian Government, my husband and I decided that I would become my daughter's primary source of education at that time, I searched for one of the best Homeschooling programme who would also give an input on the curriculum I chose to teach my daughter. In the end I chose Calvert School Program for Homeschool Children all over the world, this school has International Certification and the curriculum is very complete and extremely well balanced in all subjects based on the needs of children in primary school, I thought her based on this curriculum and all reports would be sent back to them to be graded and in some cases I received adviced if needed to better teach my daughter. Through the years I taught her, she was very content, the material was very complete and within my judgement much better than sometimes provided under the public school sysytem; as years passed, we decided to stay permanently in Belgium and so our decision came to let our daughter attend public school, not only for language education, also for social skills and integration to the community; all these wasn't easy for her, the changes that took place where a bit overwhelming but now she has adjusted very well, I still feel that the education she is getting now in school is good, but it is not in comparison to the curriculum the homeshcool was offering. Times are changing, where we are not living in one place or country, people are moving, relocating for various reasons and I have to believe that what matters most is that our children get a solid basic eduacation to help them continue with their studies in the future, as parents this is one of our main priorities to provide our children with. I do feel strongly that no matter what the means are, the end result is that they are learning what is most important and if you can provide them with the proper tools and assistance, they will accomplish their task. I always keep in mind that if the time comes to return back home, at least her education will not suffer because of commuting. I wish you all the best with your son's situation and keep in mind that there are other options for which you can provide for your son's continuing education and learning.
Thankyou for sharing this article ! So true and honest about the parenting conflicts and challenges we face
caroline
www.expatcounselling.com
A truly excellent article - deeply resonant and moving.
A very moving entry in an excellent blog about all things family related (I recommend other parents to read it). I hope that together you can unlock the answer to your son's current difficulties.
Our younger son had also decided that school was not for him when he was about 14 years old. Instead of continuing to be exasperated and angry with him, we backed off and let him choose what he would be happiest doing. We know him to be a good kid, sensitive, musically talented and we realized that the school system just did not engage him. He is now immersed in his music world, learns what he wants on his own, and taught us that life as parents does not need to be a stressful and hair-pulling affair!
Hello. I wanted to reply and thank you, personally, for engaging with this article in the way that you have done. The story itself is painful but also compelling. By telling my story, it helps me make sense of this experience, but it also connects me with the stories of others. And that's what good communication is all about. Again, thank you for taking the time to comment.
A nephew of mine "opted out", also following a divorce (perhaps coincidentally). Unlike Gigi, I don't really believe that giving in is the best solution. The parents have tried an awful lot, and he has now after nearly three years accepted not just to finish his "rhéto" but also to sit in school, recognising that it's too difficult outside a scholastic environment. A good ending might be on its way, but it has been difficult and very worrying for the parents.
School is a number of things. It offers children a choice afterwards (who can say at 14 that they know what they want?) and also social skills. It's not the only way to prepare for life, but it is probably the best.
Unlike "The Pen" who has NOT had the personal experience of having a child refuse school. I am in the position of my eldest son refusing to go back to school, for many reasons which I do not wish to discuss over this blog. I would like to let "The Pen" know that sometimes you do not have a choice but to "give in" Maybe she could tell me how you make a child of 14-17 go to school if they refuse, other than by handcuffing them and dragging them in. Which is certainly not going to have a positive outcome. David know that you're doing a great job, as am I and gigi. We all need to stick together and ignore those who make judgements without knowing what it truly is like.
Ultimately only the parents can know their own child best, and if they are not the controlling and authoritative type, [and their child is a reasonably healthy and rational human being], I feel that the child deserves some respect for the way he/she wishes to live his/her life. Mistakes and the wrong paths taken can happen to the best of us, and isn't that what it is all about - always learning as you go along and knowing that the world is full of options!
The Pen, you do sound a lot like:
"If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you
have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?"
People are people and it is not 100% the same route for everyone, and although this organization, like standartization and school does help to deal with masses, there are excemptions that achieve no less in life by going their own path. For me myself lols of this is still in front, and it does scare me a lot, therefore I wont rush judging Mr. Willows, even if I am dealing (?) with my kids more different, more equal maybe.
It is only reasonable as parents to educate and provide and set a good example for our children, regardless of what society sets as 'the norm' that our children have to attend school to fulfill their education, social skills so that enables to them to integrate better in society. When our child was 5 after attending ICA International Christian Academy in Brussels and having the school closed down for odd reasons by the Belgian Government, my husband and I decided that I would become my daughter's primary source of education at that time, I searched for one of the best Homeschooling programme who would also give an input on the curriculum I chose to teach my daughter. In the end I chose Calvert School Program for Homeschool Children all over the world, this school has International Certification and the curriculum is very complete and extremely well balanced in all subjects based on the needs of children in primary school, I thought her based on this curriculum and all reports would be sent back to them to be graded and in some cases I received adviced if needed to better teach my daughter. Through the years I taught her, she was very content, the material was very complete and within my judgement much better than sometimes provided under the public school sysytem; as years passed, we decided to stay permanently in Belgium and so our decision came to let our daughter attend public school, not only for language education, also for social skills and integration to the community; all these wasn't easy for her, the changes that took place where a bit overwhelming but now she has adjusted very well, I still feel that the education she is getting now in school is good, but it is not in comparison to the curriculum the homeshcool was offering. Times are changing, where we are not living in one place or country, people are moving, relocating for various reasons and I have to believe that what matters most is that our children get a solid basic eduacation to help them continue with their studies in the future, as parents this is one of our main priorities to provide our children with. I do feel strongly that no matter what the means are, the end result is that they are learning what is most important and if you can provide them with the proper tools and assistance, they will accomplish their task. I always keep in mind that if the time comes to return back home, at least her education will not suffer because of commuting. I wish you all the best with your son's situation and keep in mind that there are other options for which you can provide for your son's continuing education and learning.
Thankyou for sharing this article ! So true and honest about the parenting conflicts and challenges we face
caroline
www.expatcounselling.com
Here’s a list of some of the groups and clubs that you can join while staying in Moscow.
Here's an introduction to our Lifestyle section for Moscow, from dating in the age of social media to shopping and gardening.
Here's a brief guide to Getting Started in Moscow, from where to go for visa and banking info to handling Russian business culture and managing a Moscow culture shock.
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